The Art of Reconciliation

In 1879, Atlanta was paid a return visit by one who last came accompanied by thousands of soldiers and artillery fire. On January 29^th, none other than General William Tecumseh Sherman stepped onto the train platform of Atlanta’s Union Station greeted by a crowd of people who a reporter described as “curious but respectful”.

Sherman toured the city that day with the Mayor Loundes Calhoun, whose hip still ached and made him hobble due to a bullet he took defending the city from Sherman’s troops. That night Sherman and his daughters attended a ball that was held in his honor. The general danced during every song. Mayor Calhoun later relayed that Sherman confessed that duty compelled him to do “many harsh things”.  After the visit, Sherman reported “we had nothing but the most courteous treatment everywhere”.

Being only a casual reader of history, I was surprised that Sherman ever set foot in Atlanta again after the war. The offenses of Sherman’s March to the Sea are well-documented. One would think a return to Atlanta would cost Sherman his life at the hands of one seeking vengeance. But Sherman in fact did return and true to southern hospitality, he was received graciously. Part of the intention behind the visit was to heal the wounds of the war. Sherman hoped that his return represented a reunited America that had “done some good, something to make men feel more national, more disposed to labor with zeal and earnestness in the direction of national unity”.*

Part of what motivated Sherman and Mayor Calhoun was for the sake of the healing of the nation after the war. They desired unity for our nation and took very public steps to promote that unity. How easy it could have been for Sherman to avoid such a trip. Instead, both he and the city of Atlanta were better off, overcoming past injustices and present awkwardness.

Reconciliation is the act of resolving a difference. Bank accounts are reconciled, for example. But far more important is reconciling relationships. In our relationships we make mistakes, we do things we regret. Forgiveness needs to be asked for. Differences need to be settled, reconciled.

Easier said than done, one might think. That’s where Jesus comes in. For all the differences we endure, no breach is bigger than the gap between us and God. But God took care of that breach through his son, as Philippians 2 says,  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us. (verses 18-19).

Paul is telling us that in Christ, God has reconciled with us. As a result the baton has been handed to us, Jesus has given us the ministry of reconciliation. The petition in the Lord’s Prayer comes to mind “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive the trespasses of others”. The Bible promotes a strong tie between the awareness of one’s need of forgiveness from God and one’s willingness to forgive others. It is easy for many to lose sight of that.

Much of the feedback I give those who are having difficulties in their relationships involves prompting toward reconciliation. Less courageous people will skip out on those opportunities hoping that time and faulty memory will heal the breach. This is rarely a helpful strategy for maintaining healthy relationships. Those infused with the character of Jesus are more apt to seek forgiveness. It takes strength and courage to own up to one’s own short-comings with an earnest desire to mending brokenness. Jesus gives us the strength and ability to reach reconciliation.

There is an art to approaching someone seeking to resolve a difference. Here are a ten important steps to consider.

1)  Pray about the meeting beforehand.

2)  Find a time that works for both parties, free from distractions.

3)  Speak openly and honestly, but not blaming, defending or rationalizing what occurred.

4)  Be respectful and loving. The restoration of your relationship is the goal.

5)  Own up to your own shortcomings. Be clear on what you could have handled better.

6)  If the other person has wronged you, be specific but tactful in how you were affected by his or her behavior.

7)  Be sure to listen well to the other person. Both parties should be heard and understood.

8)  Ask for forgiveness where the need has been identified.

9)  Express your appreciation for the other person and your relationship.

10) Pray together giving God thanks for the time and viewpoints shared.

Reconciliation is not easy. It requires reflection, honesty, and intentionality. Yet reconciliation is the lifeblood of relationships, be it our relationship with God or with one-another. More often than not, relationships emerge stronger when reconciliation has been made. The logic of reconciliation is this: Jesus forgives us, we in turn forgive others. Reconciliation has been given to us. Who is it that you need reconciliation with? Pray about it and see to what person God might be leading you to.

To celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg, a grand Civil War veteran reunion was held in 1913. 50,000 people attended, including veterans of the war as young as 61 and as old as over 100. There were concerns among the organizers that old feuds between North and South would be re-kindled at the gathering. As part of the week’s events, a re-enactment of Pickett’s charge was staged. The union soldiers took their place on Cemetery Ridge and the old Confederates who served under General George Pickett crossed the field. As the confederates re-staged there charge, whoops of the Rebel Yell were again heard. But before they reached the ridge, the Union Soldiers rose to meet them, leaving their position and running out onto the field, this time not to fight, but in the words of an observer “embracing them in brotherly love and affection”.

Reconciliation can happen when people are willing to seek it…and it doesn’t have to take fifty years for it to happen. Christ’s grace has freed us so that it can happen now.

In His Service,
Pastor Jason Talsness